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Odds-n-Ends :: Clarification of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo:

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION."
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

 

It Figures

According to the U.S. Government, it costs $234,000 to raise a child to age 22. We dare you to try to collect at the birthday party!

Illegal drug peddlers make $123 million a year. That's more than the combined salaries of 5000 official narcotics officers.

It is estimated that six billion hours of work are lost annually in the U.S. because of alcoholism.

Concerned about the increase in postage? Consider: The U.S. Postal service spends $3500 a day on medical aid for employees bitten by dogs!

The next time somebody uses the phrase "where the rubber hits the road," tell him that, every day, Americans wear off three million pounds of rubber, enough to manufacture 250,000 new tires.

The top three nations in per capita prison population are the Soviet Union, South Africa and the United States.

Would you believe that 43 percent of the U.S. citizens between the ages of 15 and 19 claim they have shop-lifted?

The average housewife walks 1037 miles "on the job" in the course of a year.

If all the hazardous waste produced daily in the United States were divided equally among the adult citizens, each one would have nine pounds of it to get rid of!

A satisfied car owner tells 8 people; a dissatisfied car owner tells 22. We have no figures about church members…

August is the number one month for auto accidents in the United States.

More long-distance phone calls are placed on Mother's Day than on any other U.S. holiday. It's also the number one day for dining out.


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